Part 18: BONUS - The Path Not Chosen
Hello everyone. Let's check in on Douchebag. He had a big day and must be pretty tired.
Aww, he's sleeping.
I wonder what he's dreaming about...Let's take a closer look.
Feel free to insert the appropriate "doodly doo" sound effects.
Douchebag is apparently dreaming about Kupa Keep.
I'm first gonna warn you all, this update is gonna have a lot of words. Remember all that faction specific dialogue from the last two updates? Well today we're looking at the KKK side of things and it's all in a single update. So grab some snacks because this is gonna take a while...
: Ah, you have returned! Come, Sir Douchebag, it is time to summon our forces! Simply call them here and your dedication to Kupa Keep will be complete!: Climb the signal tower, Sir Douchebag. Call forth your new recruits!Video:
: Everyone gather round!
: While the rest of you have been picking your respective arses, Sir Douchebag has gone out and brought help to our kingdom. Sir Douchebag, it is time to give you a title worthy of your deeds.
: By the power of Mandaloth, third-born of the Redguard, and by the glory of Christ, I hereby anoint thee -- COMMANDER DOUCHEBAG! With all the rights and privileges accompanied therein!
: Eric! ERIC! (out of breath) We know where the elves are hiding the Stick!: What? Really?: We just intercepted their messages on Twitter!: You mean you shot down their message raven.: R-right - w-we shot down their raven a-and the evil Elf King ha-has hidden the Stick inside his desk at school!
: Of course! Kyle hid it in his desk! CITIZENS OF KUPA KEEP! WE KNOW WHERE THE ELVES ARE HIDING THE STICK! I told you they were cheating! NOW WE SHALL MARCH ON THE SCHOOL AND MAKE THE HALLWAYS DRIP WITH ELVEN BLOOD!ALL: HUZZAH!
Expect a lot of events, and even dialogue, to be pretty similar between sides. Oh and the Douchebag that joined the KKK? He is a Jew.
: Defenders of freedom! I thank you for your courage, and your audacities in joining our fight! Tonight, we are no longer the humans or the goths. Tonight, we unite as ONE!
: I feel like SUCH a homo sapien right now.
: (from upper window) THE HUMANS ARE HERE! (another elf blows a horn): Ooh, they blew their horn! Blow ours, Butters!
: (blows horn): Guys, flank left! Goth kids, prepare to attack from behind!
The boob staff weapon was for sale in the community center. It fits my play-style for the Jew class pretty perfectly. It hits hard and debuffs the hell out of the enemy.
Someone earlier in the thread said that the Jew class is the cleric archetype. I actually think they're closer to a berserker. When wearing class armor and afflicted by various debuffs, they take less damage and deal more damage. Their abilities hit extremely hard and they can inflict more debuffs than any other class.
One of their cheapest abilities inflicts Pissed Off on everything it hits, which means enemies will focus attacks on them. That means the Jew player will have a constant source of AP coming in. I've also taken the liberty of giving Douchebag a couple patches that give him a thorns effect.
Basically this trip through the school is gonna be super easy. And if we get into any trouble, we have Butters with us this time. So in the absolute worst case, he can heal us!
Oh, and Cartman adds us as a Facebook friend after the cutscene.
: I'm sitting on the toilet and taking a huge, smelly dump because I'm a big dumb fatass!Stan and Kyle like this.
: LOL
: Pick a better password for your account, fatass.: Fuck you guys. Seriously.: They've barricaded the entrance. The elves are up to their old Jew tricks again. Find another way in. Take out the barricade from behind.: (idle) Try the cafeteria. There's a door by the loading docks. Go!: (idle) Douchebag, what the hell are you doing?: (idle) Get outta here, asshole!: (idle) GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!: (if you try to leave) WHAT THE FUCK?! We're in the middle of a siege, Douchebag!
: Goddammit.
: Kupa Keep!: Fuck the elves.: The KKK shall rise again!Gonna fast forward a bit until we're in the school.
: New Kid, if you're in the building: You're fighting for a tyrant, but I know there's good in you. Stop fighting for your evil lord! Free yourself from his control!: Get to the lobby! Flank their defenses!Craig and Scott Malkinson like this.
: Geez, it's a mess in here. Those elves went crazy.: (when you pick up CHEF'S OLD PO BOX KEY) Aw. I miss his chocolate salty balls.
: Don't go in there, man! We got in through the back. They just mowed us down. Like DOGS, man! All my friends are dead! Oh Jesus!: When I close my eyes I see my friends' screaming faces. AGH!: Fuck this shit!: I don't wanna play anymore!: No prisoners!: You're going down!: You are fucking dead!: I killed your friends!: End of the line, fucker!: Prepare to die, New Kid!: You're not getting past me!: Give up! We fortified this shit!: That's hot lava, you're dying right now.: Drow barricades are invincible. AND invisible!: (shooting water at you) Boiling oil in your face!: (shooting water at you) Bullseye!: (shooting water at you) Beg for mercy!: (if you hit the water pipe) Shit, we lost pressure on the hose!
: (if you hit a fluorescent light down on an elf) (You did it!): (if you hit a fluorescent light down on an elf) Yeah, you fried that motherfucker!: (after you knock out the other two elves) I don't wanna die!: Aw, fuck me.: Uh oh.: Dude, just take my lunch money.: (if you knock out the last elf) Yeah, nice!: (if you blow up the big barricade) Wow, you're the greatest natural spell cupper I've ever seen!: (after you blow up the big barricade) They've got artillery!The last elf in the room fights us, giving me a chance to show off some of the Jew's abilities.
First off we have Sling of David.
It bounces up to three times and inflicts Pissed Off on any enemy it hits. It also hits like a truck, making it a nice bread and butter move for the Jew class.
Out in the hallway next...
: Commander Douchebag, we're still blocked out here. I'm authorizing the use of deadly force. Flank that barricade!: (if you try to blow up the barricade) (Magic won't work if the fan is running!): (if you try to blow up the barricade) Ah! No magic with the fan running! You'll kill us!: (if you set off the sprinkler) (Now magic will work!): (if you set off the sprinkler) Now magic will work!: These are the terms of your surrender! One! You will be the elves' personal slave for...: A month.: One month! Two! You agree that the elves are the masters of the Stick for all time! Three. You eh...: Hey, hand me the mic for a sec. Three. The so-called Grand Wizard has to jump up and down continuously for three straight days. If he stops early, he has to start over.: Hehehahyahaheh!
: The goddamn elves still have us blocked. Punch through!: Shit, the door to the lobby is blocked!: (as a rat approaches in an upper vent) (Look! A rat!): (as a rat approaches in an upper vent) Maybe he wants to be friends!: (after you beat the rats) (You got him!): (after you beat the rats) You got him!
: Stay back you guys! Something is seriously wrong with the hallway monitors!
: Help... please...: That's Gary Nelson!
: Don't touch him, he's ginger!: We came to school the morning after the earthquake to report for duty. We didn't know school had been cancelled. We heard a sound from down here, found this green goo, i-it was everywhere. It... changed the other hallway monitors. (coughs): Serves you right for being a patsy ass hallway monitor in the first place.: (standing up, quaking) Something in the goo... it... it...
: [Speaking German]: AAGHGH! Somehow that green goo makes ginger hallway monitors even LAMER!
Whirling Doom is probably my least favorite of the Jew's abilities.
The damage is honestly underwhelming, and all it does is strip away buffs. Given how hard the other abilities hit, you're almost always better served using one of those and just ending the battle through sheer overwhelming force instead.
Jew-Jitsu, on the other hand, is my favorite ability.
It has an awesome pun name, it has a satisfying sound when you pull off the perfect hit, and it stuns the target for several turns.
The Jew class's ultimate ability is called Plagues of Egypt. It's really, really good. To start off, it hits hard and debuffs the enemy. But later upgrades also cause it to apply buffs to your party simultaneously. You can use three of the plagues per use of the ability. The final upgrade lets you use four plagues.
The link, by the way, is not a demonstration of the ability in the game. You should still click on it anyway because it's pretty fucking awesome. The Prince of Egypt is a pretty great movie, y'all.
You can cause frogs to rain from the sky and weaken their attack.
Locusts can likewise weaken the enemy's attack.
Fire can rain from the sky, melting armor and setting your foes on fire.
Finally you can summon the essence of pestilence and plague to Gross Out your foes.
: (Hey! What's wrong with these guys?): Dude, what happened to these guys?: RRRAARRGH! SCHNELL!: I-it's probably just a l-lost German exchange student.: Wow, look at all this green goo. What the hell is that stuff?: (Don't touch that green stuff!): That stuff looks like boogers!
Finally the last ability to show off for the Jew class is something special indeed. Just look at the name and let it simmer in your mind. Circum-Scythe. That sensation you just felt? That was you involuntarily crossing your legs.
Believe it or not, but this doesn't leave the target stunned.
: (after you beat three NAZI HALL MONITORS) Wow, those guys are like, European or something.
: New Kid! You don't want to be on the wrong side of this when Wizard Fatass's army falls. Think about what you're doing!
It probably seems like I'm just showing off all the dialogue without any commentary. There really isn't all that much to say about the KKK side of things that I didn't already say the first go-round.
: We're breached! Battle stations!: (firing) Hey Douchebag! Let's see how you like some flaming dog shit!: (firing) Stay still!: (firing) Lock and load!: (firing) Target locked!: (firing) I'm zeroed in!: (firing) Fire in the hole!: (firing) I never miss twice!: Look out!: Suck it, Stan!: Dammit, Stan, you dirty elf!: Why, you shit-slinging asshole, Stan!: (when you knock over a barricade) Timber!: Elves, hold the line, goddammit!: (when you teleport to upper level) You can't hide, Douchebag!: (quietly) Try not to say anything. They might hear you.: (when you slide down rope on other side) There he is!: (firing) I got plenty of dogshit, Douchebag!: (when you explode the second barrier) Son of a...: (when you defeat all the elves) This isn't over!
: (entering from the right) Good work! Douchebag, man the catapult and let our guys through the front door. Everyone, fall in!: (idle) Douchebag, seriously, get your ass on the catapult.: (after firing the catapult) Use your magic to open the front door!: (after you open the door) That's it! Hurry, open the door! Before they know what's happened! : Push forward! I must save my strength for the final battle!: (idle) (Let's GO, Douchebag, we have to get the Stick of Truth!): (idle) Let's go, Douchebag! We have to get the Stick of Truth!
: Don't underestimate Kyle. He's killed me a bunch of times.: We're gonna win. I can feel it!
: Those elf kids never knew what hit em!Video:
Okay, that sword swinging is pretty cool. You just know Stan practiced that a lot. The usual drill applies with the video above. Boss fight and all that.
: This ends here, New Kid.
: (starting fight) Let's see you handle BOTH of us. (whistles, SPARKY joins him) Get em!: (idle) You forced my hand, New Kid.: (idle) Didn't have to be this way!: (idle) It's not too late for you. Switch sides!: (idle) Fatass tricked you. We tried to warn you!Sparky doesn't have a lot of health and is mostly there to soak hits for Stan. In all the times I've played this game, I've never seen him do it, but Sparky can apparently heal Stan. Usually the poor dog doesn't survive past the first round of combat.
: (if SPARKY heals him) I needed that!: (if you kill SPARKY) Oh, no. No, no, NO!
You would think that killing Sparky would be a bad idea. It pisses Stan off and drives him into a berserker rage. But he doesn't have a lot of health to begin with, and Douchebag the Jew is pretty adept at kicking ass. So the fight ends inside of three rounds.
: (when you beat STAN) So much for the legendary Stan Marshwalker.
This, by the way, is the Holy Hammer of Smiting that we got from the nazi zombie hallway monitors. The fire attack and PP on attack are patches that I added after the fact. It adds 100 holy damage on perfect attack and debuffs the enemy defense. Not bad!
This is the weapon that Stan dropped. It's also pretty damn good.
Being able to hit every enemy in a column is really useful, making this probably the biggest gameplay reason you'd want to pick Cartman over Kyle.
: OH GOD! OH JESUS!: OH GOD!: (We've got to help Tweek!): We gotta help him, New Kid! Hang on, Tweek!: Last chance, New Kid! He's nothing without you. Walk away from this!
: Seriously, Douchebag, you're breaking my balls here.
: I'm writing an epic madrigal about your cowardly death in this battle.Kyle and 4 others like this.
: This is it! You have the honor of leading the final assault, Commander.: (idle) Come on, Douchebag! Let's get in there and get the Stick of Truth!: Let's take the Stick from their cold, dead hands.: Good to see you alive, Commander Douchebag!: WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO, MAN? IS EVERYBODY DEAD?
This is the Fifth Grade classroom.
: (Oh hey, Lemmiwinks!): Oh, hey, it's Lemmiwinks!Video:
: Back away from the desk, Jew King!: The Stick doesn't belong with a fat, RACIST LIAR!
: All right, Kyle, you fuckin asked for it. Go ahead and kick his ass, Douchebag.: New Kid, Cartman is USING YOU, can't you see it?! He's a manipulator!: You're just jealous cuz the new kid picked ME as a friend over you, Kyle!: You've got one last chance, New Kid. Turn around and fight Cartman instead. Do the right thing.: Don't let him Jew Wash your brain, New Kid.: Attack him! NOW!: MAKE HIM SHUT UP!Presumably you can actually attack Cartman here instead of Kyle. I've never actually tried to because that would be dumb. All the dialogue after the cutscene is the same as before, so I'm not gonna show that off.
This dagger of the faithful isn't very useful to me. It has one less patch slot than anything I had been using. I still use it for the upcoming battle both because I'm an idiot and because it makes absolutely no difference overall. Speaking of which... time to show off the final battle.
: (if you hit him) Fine! You're gonna be sorry, New Kid!: (starting fight) Don't you know who you're dealing with?: (starting fight) Get out of my way or I'll kick your ass!
: (ENTANGLING VINES) You're staying PLANTED!: (ENTANGLING VINES) You're not going anywhere!: (ENTANGLING VINES) You think you can TANGLE with me?!Entangling Vines is pretty easy to block, though if it hits you, you're forced to skip a turn.
: Kick the baby!
: Don't kick the goddamn baby.
: Yayyyy!
On his next turn after having Ike reflected back, he decided to end the battle.
: You're about to get blown!
Why did Kyle have a leaf blower? Why did he think it was a great idea to try and use it on us? Did he want to knock off our idiotic hat?
: (if he wins) Who says elves are pussies?
40,590 points of fart damage is pretty nice, I have to admit.
: (if he loses) (sobbing)From this point on, things progress exactly the same as they did on the other side.
So, enough of that dream. Time to return to reality.
Isn't it
If not, oh well, at least there will be next time. See you then!
